Giggles On Ice - Page 9

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I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!" '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". Of course, the Mexican man agrees to this. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow.......Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?" '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' THE FOLLOWING QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL MEDICAL RECORDS DICTATED BY PHYSICIANS: By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. On the second day knee was better; on the third day it had completely disappeared. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. I will be happy to go into her Gl system, she seems ready and anxious. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Patient needs disposition; therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. Patient's history is insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days. She slipped on the ice and her legs went in separate directions in December. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. She had no rigor or shaking chills; husband states she was very hot in bed. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Patient was in good health until his airplane crashed. She can't get pregnant; I thought you'd like to work her up. She is numb from her toes down. While in the ER, she was examined, X rated and sent home. The skin was moist and dry. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' POLITICALLY CORRECT SAYINGS Drunk = Spacially Perplexed Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective Insane People = Selectively Perceptive Bald = Folically Challenged Bald = Comb-Free Girl = Pre-Woman Fat = Calorifically Enhanced Alternatively, Fat = Horizontally Challenged Alternatively, Fat = Gravitationally Challenged Short = Vertically Challenged Airhead = Reality Impaired Sarah Brightman = Alternatively Talented Dead = Metabolically Challenged Poor = Economically Deficient Poor = Economically Unprepared Slum = Economic Oppression Zone Old People = Gerentologically Advanced Homeless = Optionally Residential Housewife = Domestic Technician Handicapped = Differently Abled Deaf = Visually Oriented Blind = Photonically Non-receptive Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged Ugly = Attractively Impaired Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay." Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay." Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'

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