A woman had an old dog that she'd had for many years and that was quite a pest. One day the dog was annoying her owner by demanding to go out when she was in and to come in when she was out. The lady had just put her outside and went to take a bath. She had just settled into the tub, when her dog started barking yet again. The woman threw a towel around her and yanked open the door yelling, "Come in, you darned old fool!" She nearly fainted when she saw her minister smiling back at her.
If you need a dog of your own, these are from real classified ads....
Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.
Lost: Beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the name of Lucky.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
For Sale: Great Dames.
Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.
Pit Bull For Sale: Owner deceased.
Speaking of dogs... I sent my picture to the Lonely Heart's Club. Their reply? "We're not that lonely."
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Experiment: James McConnell, head of the University of Michigan's Planaria Research group, wanted to see if memory "can be eaten and reused." So he trained a batch of worms, ground them up, and fed them to a second group of untrained worms.
Conclusion: According to McConnell, it worked. The untrained worms demonstrated behavior he had taught the ground-up worms. Minor problem: He never got the same results again.
Experiment: A scientist named Spalding brilliantly theorized that a baby chick's instinct to follow a mother hen originates in the brain. In an 1873 experiment, he removed the brains of baby chicks and placed the chicks a few yards from a mother hen.
Conclusion: Spalding's groundbreaking paper, "Instinct," tells us: "Decerebrated chicks will not move towards a clucking or retreating object."
Experiment: To test the rumor that Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide, Harvard University researchers added sperm samples to test tubes, each containing a different type of Coke.
Conclusion: A minor success. Diet Coke was the most effective, followed by Classic Coke, New Caffeine-Free, and in last place, New Coke. Researchers suggest that levels of acidic pH and perhaps some secret formula components were the determining factors. In any event, a Coca-Cola official was quoted to say; "We do not promote Coca-Cola for medical purposes. It is a soft drink."
--The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader
A sign on a dryer in a coin laundry reads: "This dryer is worthless." A sign on the next dryer reads: "This dryer is next to worthless."
Did you hear about the inventor that came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery. He then developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that idea, too.
Finally, the ultimate. He made a huge knife that could cut four loaves of bread at the same time!
And so was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.
Clarke's Laws (1) When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. (2) The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them to the impossible. (3) Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. (Arthur C. Clarke, Profiles of the Future.)
Asimov's Corollary (to Clarke's First Law) When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion-the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right. (Isaac Asimov in his article "Asimov's Law" in the Feb 1997 Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine)
The Uraguayan army once fought a sea battle using cheeses as cannonballs.
It happened in the 1840's. The aggressive Argentine dictator Juan Manual de Rosas, in an attempt to annex Uraguay, ordered his navy to blockade Montevideo, the capital. The beseiged Uraguayans held their own in battle until they ran out of conventional ammunition. In desperation, they raided the galleys of their ships and loaded their cannons with very old, hard Edam cheeses and fired them at the enemy.
Contemporary chronicles record that the Uraguayans won the skirmish.
~~From Significa, by Irving Wallace, David Wallechinsky, and Amy Wallace
If you drop a fork, it's a sign company is coming.
If a fork is missing, it's a sign company is going.
Doctor's say that if you eat slowly you eat less. You certainly will if you are a member of a large family.
(well.. unless it's liver and beets night... then it just means you will sit and stare at congealing poison until you finally give up and gag it down. Love Ya Mom!)
A woman was planning a very important party in her home. In preparation she bought new fru fru towels for the bathroom. Knowing her large family, she posted a sign over the towels reading, "Touch these towels and I'll kill you!" Everything went well at her party, and she was feeling quite smug until she stepped into the bathroom and saw her brand new towels in pristine condition and the sign still in place!
My coworker came back from her vacation the other day. She looked terrible!
"What's the matter," I asked, "vacation too much for you?"
"I guess so," she replied, "with the kids taking vitamins and me taking tranquilizers, it was a losing battle all the way."
(LOL - I told her she had it the wrong way around)
"Do you say your prayers every night, Little Johnny?" asked his teacher
"No, Mommy says them for me,"
"Really? And what does she say?"
Little Johnny replied, "She says, 'Thank God, you're in bed!'"
In August 1994, a Korean Air jet skidded across a rain-soaked runway and rammed a safety barricade while landing in Cheju, Korea. All 160 passengers escaped safely... just moments before the plane exploded into flames. Cause of the accident: According to news reports, the pilot and copilot had gotten into a fist fight over who was in charge of the landing controls.
(No! I get to land it, No, I do... umm.. never mind...)
You know, my dogs are great. They are always so happy to see me. I come home, they jump around and bark and wag their tails. I go to the closet and come back, they jump around and wag their tails. I turn my face away and turn it back, they bark and wag their tails. Either they love me very much or their short term memories are shot.
A motorcyclist had his front tire blow out, which threw him in the air and over a high cliff. By luck, he caught a little bush and held on for dear life. Realizing he had only two choices: Let go of the bush and fall to sure injury or maybe death, or hang onto the bush until he could attract someone's attention and be saved. He began to shout and shout for help, but nobody heard. Finally he began to pray.
"Lord, please help me." After a while a voice said, "I hear you. What do you want?" "Please help me, Lord, I don't want to die." "Do you believe that I am the Lord?" "Yes, yes, Lord, I believe." "Then let go of the bush." "But Lord," said the cyclist. "isn't there any other way?" "No," said the voice, "if you have faith you'll let go."
After thinking about it for a moment, the cyclist shouted, "Isn't there anybody else up there?"
(anyone, anyone at all??)
"What'll you do," The teacher asked little Susie, "when you are as big as your mother?"
Father: "Son, I'm what is referred to as a 'Self-made Man'."
Son: "That's what I admire about you, Dad. You're always willing to accept the blame for your mistakes."
The couple were having a heated discussion regarding some trivial matter. "It's obvious that I must be right and you must be wrong," said the wife. "God created woman after man... therefore, it stands to reason that we are an improvement over the original model."
"Not at all," suggested the husband. "God had a very good reason for making woman after he made man. He didn't want any advice."
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.