A man was nailing tin roofing on a very high barn, when he slipped and started to slide toward the edge.
"Oh, Lord," he prayed, "I have never bothered you before, but please help me now."
Suddenly his pants caught on a nail and he stopped right by the edge. "Never mind, Lord," he added, "I don't need your help now."
Two little girls were talking about their grandparents.
"Why does your grandmother read the Bible so much?" asked one.
"I think she is cramming for her finals."
A faithful churchgoer went to his knees in prayer, "Dear God, I have been a good man all of my life, please let me win the lottery so that I can give even better service to Thee."
The lottery came and went, and he did not win.
Again he prayed, "Dear God, I have given of my substance to the poor, helped the needy and comforted the fatherless. Please let me win the lottery so that I can expand my service and glorify Thy name."
Again, he did not win.
A third time he knelt in supplication, "Dear God, I have dedicated my life to Thee. I give all that I have and all that I am to help Thy children. I have asked very little of Thee over the years. I ask for this money only so that I can better help those I see that are in need. Please, Father, can Thee not let me win this money?"
A deep voice echoed from the heavens..."Could you at Least buy a lottery ticket??"
"I would like a nice book for a friend in the hospital," said the elderly lady.
"Something religious?" asked the salesclerk.
"Er... no," replied the lady, "the doctor told her this morning she is going to get well."
An atheist was floating in a small boat on an isolated lake in Scotland. Suddenly a huge form erupted out of the water under his boat, sending him flying into the air.
The terrified man cried out as he fell towrds the monster's dripping jaws, "Oh Dear God, save me!"
A voice boomed from the heavens, "Oh, NOW you want my help. Yesterday you didn't even believe I existed."
The man hollered, "Cut me some slack, five minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!"
A young child was being examined by the court to test her reliability as a witness in a very important trial.
"Do you know anything that is in the Bible?" "Oh," said the child, "I know everything!" "What?!" the judge asked in astonishment, "Can you tell us some of the things that are in there?"
"Sure," said the child confidently, "There's a picture of Aunt Hazel, a lock of Jenny's hair, Mom's favorite recipe for apple pie, and a parking ticket Daddy refused to pay."
Pity the mother whose son responded to the ringing of the church bells by shouting out, "Avon Calling!"
"The abolishment of pain in surgery is a chimera. It is absurd to go on seeking it today. Knife and pain are two words in surgery that must forever be associated in the consciousness of the patient. To this compulsory combination we shall have to adjust ourselves."
~~Dr. Alfred Velpeau, 1839 (anesthesia was introduced seven years later)
"While theorectically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibillty, a development of which we need waste little time dreaming."
~~Lee DeForest, "Father of the Radio," 1926
"At present, few scientists foresee any serious or practical use for atomic energy. They regard the atom-splitting experiments as useful steps in the attempt to describe the atom more accurately, not as the key to the unlocking of any new power."
~~Fortune Magazine, 1938
"What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches?"
~~The Quarterly Review, 1825
"The ordinary 'horseless carriage' is at present a luxury for the wealthy; and although its price will probably fall in the future, it will never, of course, come into as common use as the bicycle."
~~The Literary Digest, 1889
"The energy necessary to propel the ship would be many times greater than that required to drive a train of cars at the same speed; hence as a means of rapid transit, aerial navigation could not begin to compete with the railroad."
~~Popular Science magazine, 1897
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?
CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!
SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless..... is there food involved??
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no steenking light bulbs!
MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair.........
AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What light bulb, So? We can play in the dark.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're hanging the light bulb yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."
DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.
CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp!
SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!
GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."
DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it......... No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez.......... do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.
PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb.......... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the light bulb????
SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: "Change the light bulb?? Can I? Can I? Let me do it, ok ok? I wanna... give me the light bulb... Wait, was that a car outside, go away car go away. Wait, that's a cat on the lawn... what are you doing on the lawn, huh huh? Is it fun out there on the lawn? Can I come play with you... Wait, is that the mailman? It is, it is! Hi there mailman, are you having lotsa fun out there mailman. I'll be it's fun being a mailman...." Eventually, you put cotton in your ears and change the lightbulb yourself.