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While campaigning for the presidency, Mr. Stevenson gave a very impressive speech to an audience in the Midwest. Trying to impress Mr. Stevenson with her education, a society matron approached him and said, "Oh, Mr. Stevenson, your speech was just superfluous." With his wry, little grin he responded quite sarcastically, "Madame, I am glad you liked it. I am thinking of having it published posthumously." To which she replied, "Oh great, the sooner the better."
The businessman walked into the Internal Revenue Office, sat down and smiled at everyone. After a short time a guard approached him and asked, "What can we do for you?" John Eisenhower was an aide on his father's staff during World War II. On one occasion the general gave him a message to deliver to a colonel in the front lines. The young lieutenant found the colonel and told him, "My dad says to watch your right flank." "Really?" said the puzzled officer. "And what does your mommy say?" Five other names considered for the Seven Dwarfs: Snoopy, Dippy, Blabby, Woeful and Flabby. (hey, where is Sleazy??) "When I was in third grade, there was a kid running for office. His slogan was, 'Vote for me, and I'll show you my wee-wee.' He won by a landslide." ~~Dorothy, "The Golden Girls" A man walked into a store and bought a very old clock. A couple of days later, he came back and claimed that the clock was losing 15 minutes every hour. The store clerk said, "Didn't you see the sign, 25% off? A photographer was working a wedding. After he shot a candid photo of the bride's mother, the lady laughed and exclaimed, "Oh, I'll look awful. My mouth was wide open!" The photographer shook his head reassuringly and said, "Don't worry, you'll look perfectly natural." True story - A woman was hosting a very important dinner party for her husband's new boss. She made some very grand hors d'oeuvres and set them out on a coffee table. A few minutes later she caught her dog gobbling them down as fast as he could. She put him outside and then began welcoming her guests. Her husband hadn't arrived yet because his plane was delayed. Everybody was enjoying cocktails and the remaining hors d'oeuvres for about an hour when a neighbor called over and said, "Your dog is lying dead in the alley." Horrified that her hors d'oeuvres might have been poisonous, she told the guests what had happened. The whole party raced in a convoy of cars to the hospital emergency room, had their stomachs pumped out, and then gamely returned to the party. When the lady's husband finally got home, his first words to the shaken guests were, "Our poor dog is lying crushed and dead out there in the alley. A hit and run driver must have got him." We have a new receptionist at work. She's blonde... She is working out fine, although she did send out faxes with stamps on it until we assured her that wasn't necessary. We always know which monitor she has been using, it's got whiteout all over it. One of my vendors called to tell me that he had received a blank fax. I checked into it and found out she had folded it first because it was private. She didn't understand why he didn't just unfold it on the other end. She brought me some pics of her house to scan in for insurance purposes. When I finished, she asked if I could rotate one of them 180 degrees, since she forgot to take pics of the back of the house. She needs to take the drug test still, but first she says she needs to study for it. She recently moved, it seems she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home. My boss sent her to the airport to pick up one of our salesmen. She didn't get him, though. When she saw a sign that read "Airport left" she turned around and came back. I finally pulled out her application, under education, she put "Hooked on Phonics." At the bottom of the app it said, "Sign here." She put Sagitarrius. That reminds me... do you know what you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. In taste tests conducted nationwide, chocolate lovers were blindfolded and asked to compare five leading brands of chocolate. The result? 3 out of 4 individuals actually resented having been blindfolded. 10. Grisly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an uzi 9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!" 8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!" 7. Instead of "oil," Tin Man moans, "Viagra." 6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch 5. It would be named "Twister II" 4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would actually have his brain removed 3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O. 2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh crap!" 1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game"
-submitted by US Evarin
Shalit's Law The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie. (Gene Shalit, The Today Show) A crucial factor has been overlooked in this widespread condemnation of chocolate. Most chocolate eaters tend to supplement their chocolate intake with other foods. By what right, what logic can chocolate be singled out as the cause of plumpness? How can we be certain that, say, carrots are not a catalyst to weight gain when chocolate is present. And there is empirical evidence that also raises serious doubts about chocolate's fatteningness: Few chocolate lovers can simply sit back and wait for chocolate to come to them. For most, getting and keeping chocolate often requires strenuous physical work... "Why am I bothering to eat this chocolate? I might as well apply it directly to my thighs. ~~Rhoda Morgenstern, Mary Tyler Moore Show One time a guy walked into the psychiatrist's office and announced, "Doctor Jones, I promise that if you can cure me of my delusions, I'll grant you eternal life." A motorist had a flat tire in front of the insane asylum. He took the wheel off, and the bolts that held the wheel on rolled down into the sewer. An inmate, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from each of the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station. The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place." The inmate said, "I'm may be crazy, but I'm not stupid." A patient in the mental ward called out, "I am Napoleon, and I demand you release me!" Another patient queried, "How do you know you are Napoleon?" To which the first responded, "God told me I was." A third voice chimed in, "I did NOT!" The Wizard of Oz (1939) Scene: Dorothy, the Tin Woodman, and the Scarecrow dance down the Yellow Brick Road singing, "We're Off to See the Wizard." Blooper: A crew member can be seen in the background among the trees. (For years, rumors circulated in Hollywood that the crew member had committed suicide and hanged himself from one of the trees on the set. The rumors were false.) Spartacus (1960) Scene: Peter Ustinov gets off of his horse. Blooper: His jockey shorts are visible under his tunic as he climbs down. The Alamo (1960) Scenes: The battle sequences. Bloopers: Although the movie is a Western, you can see several mobile trailers in the distance. (And in another scene, you can see a stuntman falling into a mattress.) Children of a Lesser God (1986) Scenes: Several occasions in which Marlee Matlin (who is deaf and portrays a deaf character) and co-star William Hurt sign to each other during conversations in which Hurt is speaking. Blooper: The sign language has nothing to do with the movie--it's about Matlin's and Hurt's private life. (At the time the movie was made, Matlin and Hurt were having an affair.) Ben Hur (1959) Scene: The chariot scene. Blooper: A red sports car is driving by the Colosseum in the distance. Gandhi (1982) Scene: Crowd Scene Blooper: One of the peasants is wearing Adidas tennis shoes. |
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