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My coworker told me I looked tired today. I explained that was because I had just finished fifty push-ups. Of course, I started them in 1980.... I've really been working out, lately. Soon I'll be able to touch my toes. Well, as soon as my fingernails grow another 24 inches or so. A philosopher friend of mine told me that life is like a folding chair on a cruise ship. Some folks like to face their chair backward to see where they have been. Others prefer to face forward to see where they are going. Funny thing is, I can't ever seem to get my chair unfolded. A blonde was filling out an accident report. She had dented the fender of a parked car while trying to park. One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?" She wrote, "He could have parked somewhere else." Lawyer: Could you briefly describe the type of construction equipment used in your business? Witness: Four tractors. Lawyer: What kind of tractors are they? Witness: Fords. Lawyer: Did you say "four?" Witness: Ford. Ford. Like the Ford. It is a Ford tractor. Lawyer: You didn't say "four," you just said "Ford?" Witness: Yes, Ford. That is what you asked me, what kind of tractors. Lawyer: Are there four Ford tractors? Is that what there is? Witness: No, no. You asked me what kind of a tractor it was and I said FORD tractors. Lawyer: How many tractors are there? Witness: Four For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all of the other fish were curious and finally an octopus asked the herring what happened to his whale friend. "How should I know?" The herring replied, "Am I my blubber's keeper?" I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I have never had time for tobacco since. ~~~ Mark Twain What Every Man Expects: She will always be beautiful and cheerful. She could marry a movie star, but wants only you. She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops. Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm. She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats. She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure. She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet. Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow. She will hate charge cards. Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?" She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America. She will wish you would go out with the boys so she could get some sewing done. She will love you because you're so sexy. She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180. She was once a model for a totem pole. She is a light eater--as soon as it gets light, she starts eating. Where there's smoke, there she is--cooking. She lets you know you only have two faults--everything you say and everything you do. No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory. If you get lost, open your wallet--she'll find you. Ideal Husband What Every Woman Expects: He will be a brilliant conversationalist. He will be very sensitive, kind, understanding, truly loving. He will be a very hardworking man. He will help around the house by washing dishes, vacuuming floors, and taking care of the yard. He will help his wife raise the children. He will be a man of emotional and physical strength. He will be as smart as Einstein, but will look like Mel Gibson. What She Gets: He always takes her to the best restaurants. (Someday he may even take her inside.) He doesn't have any ulcers--he gives them. Anytime he gets an idea in his head, he has the whole thing in a nutshell. He's well-known as a miracle worker--it's a miracle when he works. He supports his wife in the manner to which she was accustomed--he's letting her keep her job. He's such a bore that he even bores you to death when he gives you a compliment. He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation brilliant. "I've noticed that when we play games with girls, you get captured a lot." ~~Calvin "Some of us are just irresistable." ~~Hobbes "Every once in a while my wife puts on one of those mud packs." "Does it improve her looks?" "Only for a few days... then the mud falls off." A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my son." "What's the matter?" "He's always eating mud pies. I get up in the moring and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come home at lunch and he is eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies." The psychiatrist reassured him. "Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growing up. It'll pass." "Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife." "Have you ever thought about divorcing your husband?" "Divorce?... No. Murder?.... Yes!" One evening two meetings were scheduled side by side in a large hotel, but the groups were quite different. One was the twenty-fifth reunion of fraternity brothers from a large university. The other was a meeting of a local teetotalers group and their husbands. The manager was very concerned, because the menus of the two groups were totally different. The fraternity brothers wanted everything bathed in booze, hors d'oeuvres in beer batter, the entre' in wine sauce and for dessert--spiked watermelon. While the ladies and their husbands had requested a nice salad and a weight watchers dessert. The kitchen was in the basement and the meals were served on the top floor in the sky room with the two groups separated by a large sound partition. The bus boys took everything up the elevator while the manager fretted back and forth from the kitchen to the skyroom, trying to make sure everything made it into the right room. All wen well, until the dessert. The bus boy mistakenly took the spiked watermelon to the wrong room. Unknowingly the waiter served the spiked melon to the teetotallers and their hubbies. When he discovered the error the manager was irate. How could such an error have been made? Not wanting to be seen, but wanting to know what was being said, he asked the waiter to go back in and determine how upset everyone was. When the waiter returned, the manager, eager to know what was happening asked, "What are they saying?" "Well," said the waiter, "there are a few ladies who are not eating their desserts, but I noticed that their husbands are saving the watermelon seeds." While attending graduate school, money was a scarce commodity at our house. One evening when my wife came home from work she was wearing a new dress. Cautiously she approached me and said: "Now, don't get mad, just tell me how you like it." I had to admit, it did look nice. But still, I was worried about the money, so I said, "Honey, why did you buy that? You know we can't afford it." She started to cry, "I don't know, the Devil must have tempted me." So I said, "Don't you remember hearing that when the Devil tempts you, you should say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan?'" "I did," she sobbed. "What did he say?" I asked. "He said, 'Boy, it sure looks good from the back.'" "Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my drivers's test." I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians." You know you are overworked when you start arguing with recorded messages. My doctor put me on a new diet. It's really simple. If it tastes good, I spit it out. I gave my cat a bath the other day.... He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..." ~~Steve Martin |
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