STRICT UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats with not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with or picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stry cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on any of the good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat scratching perch with three platforms.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in the carboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special kitty-comfort bed with nonallergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not be allowed to play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is aadvevy$5/cys"dtrhioperaydovc;h/sdchio; using it.
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.