I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

we're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

that's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake?"

That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, you clean them up.

Regular folk:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

Blondes:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO... (especially when you share the same major!)

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God

ARCHAEOLOGY:One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.

EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."

E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"

PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?

ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.

PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.

CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."

COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"

MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.

LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.