Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE ---
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
FINAL DAY ---
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
- The female always makes the rules.
- The rules can change without notice.
- Males cannot know the rules.
- If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some and/or all of the rules.
- The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
- If the female *appears* to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.
- If the previous rule applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
- The female can change her mind anytime, anywhere, in any situation.
- The male must never change his mind without the [express, written] consent of the female.
- The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
- The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
- The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
- The male cannot diagnose PMS.
- I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
- When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
- It was all so different before everything changed.
- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
- A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
- I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.