I had a blind date and a woman walked by.
I said, "Are you Edith?"
She replied, "Are you Jerry?"
I said, "Yes."
She said, "Then I'm not Edith."
Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
Isn't it strange? If you stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaggghh!" everyone stares at you like you're a total idiot or something, but if you do the same in an airplane, people join in.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns
Little Johnnie was rough housing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Johnnie, I know you love Wilbur, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
Little Johnnie thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here!"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
Saying grace at mealtime was a tradition at Grandma's house. At breakfast, lunch and supper, all who gathered around the table would bow their heads to give blessing for the food they were about to eat. Much to Grandma's sadness, this tradition was not brought to our home by my mother, so as a three-year-old, the practice of saying grace was very confusing to me.
Mother embarrassingly recalls that once, while Grandma rambled through one of her lengthy mealtime thanks to God, I asked in a rather loud voice, "Why is Grandma talking to her plate?"
In school I was in the musical "My Fair Lady." During the song, "Get me to the church on time", there was a choreographed dance number, and I was in the front line (of a theater in the round) so the audience sat at stage level. After we completed the whole entire sequence, which included wild flips and movements, and went back stage to change our costumes, I discovered that my fly was open.
(I wondered why the front row was giggling!)
There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways.
Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret.
The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!"
Grandma Irene of Kaukauna shares the following...
Granddaughter Colleen, with all the wisdom of a six year old, explained to grandma the cycle of life. This is her version as told on a summer afternoon visit,
"First you go to school,
Then you go to high school,
Then you get married,
Then you have children,
Then you're a grandma,
Then you die.... and you know what, Grandma? You don't have far to go!"
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon," and I shall hew the young accountant in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
I WISH I WERE A BEAR
I wish I were a bear. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.
And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.
I wish I were a bear.