Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
- to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
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Food for thought?
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
- Wink, I'll do the rest!
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'. till you can find a rock.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Few women admit their age, few men act it.
- Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
- I souport publik edekasion.
- If you lived here, you'd be home now.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
- Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
- Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart.
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
- Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
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Marriage....
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Marriage is a three ring circus:
- engagement ring
- wedding ring
- suffering
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
- When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
- The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
- A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
- Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
- Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
- Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
- First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
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