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Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter. "Afternoon," says the farmer. "Where you headed?" asks Walter. "Town." "What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued. "Manure." "Manure, eh? What do you do with it?" "I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly. "Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream." Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law." Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter." I think a lot of trouble with the new cars is the bucket seats -- not everyone has the same size bucket. A department store advertised in the paper it's having a Baby Sale. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the way we make 'em at home. Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. Teenager with nose rings, baggy clothing and spiked hair to a friend: "I don't really LIKE dressing this way, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go." Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the 'Obits' page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous.. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?" Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Jake. open the newspaper to page 31." "Why, what's in the paper?" "Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!" "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?" "Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?" "Jake, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!" "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?" A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this crap?" Barry who is noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake!" said an irate voice. The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, Barry called back his neighbor. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog." |
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