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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy, 'and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. Sometimes known as laugh lines A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore backside, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up." Carl Sagan: It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. Humorist Garrison Keillor does not have much truck with health fads. "I don't want to be taken for someone who eats sprouts," he says. "I eat fat. Fat is what makes the body comfortable. Fat makes it possible for two people to be very, very close and not hurt each other." A hip young man went out and bought a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It was the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He took it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulled up next to him. The old man looked over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asked, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replied, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" stated the cool dude, proudly. The moped driver asked, "Can I take a peek inside?" "Sure," replied the owner. So the old man poked his head in the window and looked around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man said, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changed so the guy decided to show the old man what his car could do. He floored it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 320 mph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhooooooosssshhh!!!! Something whipped by him, going much faster! What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asked himself. Then, ahead of him, he saw a dot coming toward him. "Whoooooooooossssshhhh!!!!!!!" It went by again, heading in the opposite direction!!! And--it almost looked like the old man on the moped!! "Couldn't be," thought the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!". Again, he saw a dot in his rear view mirror, " Whooooooooosh!!!" "K-BlammmmmmmMMMMMMM!!!!" It plowed into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumped out, and it WAS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man were hurtin' for certain'. The guy ran up to the old man and said, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moaned and replied, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!!!". |
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