Giggles on Ice

Giggles On Ice - Page 13
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In the beginning, the earth was without form, and void. Then God created chocolate. We saw that it was good, and it was all downhill from there. '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' Chocolate Tips And Facts If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is a balanced diet. Two phrases: Money talks. Chocolate sings. The preservatives in Chocolate make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' I often fly the London to Minneapolis route, and in doing so have seen many funny things, but this is the best by far.. The air hostesses have found out that in the morning, when they come around to serve tea and coffee, heading towards England, that about 90% of the people want coffee. Therefore, they go along the aisles with pots of coffee and cups, no tea. When a person wants tea, they give them the cup and tell them to press the stewardess call button, and someone will be along with a pot of tea. After they get towards the end of the plane, that sentence had been Reduced to "If you want tea, press that button." This lead to the man in front of me, desiring tea, putting his cup underneath the overhead, and pressing the call button repeatedly, to the amusement of everyone behind him. He then stood up and loudly proclaimed that the tea machine was broken! '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' Computer Industry Quotes A recent request for instances of "computer expert puts foot in mouth" brought in the following sightings: "DOS Computers are manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." ~~The New York Times, November 26, 1991 "I do not think that this 'transistor' can ever be worth the immense development cost that has gone into it. It cannot be mass produced and will never be able to handle more than very small signal levels." ~~Dr. Thomas James, 1949 "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers of the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons." ~~Popular Mechanics, March, 1949 "I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone." ~~Bjarne Stroustrup, inventor of the C++ programming language "Parity is for farmers!" ~~Seymour Cray, answering a question at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, about the lack of error-checking circuitry in his new CDC 6600 computer. When asked a few years later at the 7600 launch (or Cray-1 -- probably the -1, since it used 64-bit words instead of 60 bits that the CDC 6xxx/7xxx computers used) which did have parity, Cray is supposed to have said: "Farmers buy a lot of computers" '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?" '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' We went out to eat, and my Dad said, "No wonder nobody comes here. It's too crowded." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' How could I trust my husband to take a male contraceptive pill when he can't even remember to take out the garbage? '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' Now that my wife and I are alone in a rather large house, my daughter asked if I was going to turn one of the empty bedrooms into a den. My wife interrupted with, "Your Father doesn't need one dear. He just growls everywhere in the house." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'
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Giggles On Ice - Page 13
Main \| 1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5 \| 6 \| 7 \| 8 \| 9 \| 10 \| 11 \| 12 \| 13 \| 14 \| 15 \| 16 \| 17 \| 18 \| 19 \| 20 \| 21 \| 22 \| 23 \| 24 \| 25
In the beginning, the earth was without form, and void. Then God created chocolate. We saw that it was good, and it was all downhill from there. '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' Chocolate Tips And Facts If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is a balanced diet. Two phrases: Money talks. Chocolate sings. The preservatives in Chocolate make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' I often fly the London to Minneapolis route, and in doing so have seen many funny things, but this is the best by far.. The air hostesses have found out that in the morning, when they come around to serve tea and coffee, heading towards England, that about 90% of the people want coffee. Therefore, they go along the aisles with pots of coffee and cups, no tea. When a person wants tea, they give them the cup and tell them to press the stewardess call button, and someone will be along with a pot of tea. After they get towards the end of the plane, that sentence had been Reduced to "If you want tea, press that button." This lead to the man in front of me, desiring tea, putting his cup underneath the overhead, and pressing the call button repeatedly, to the amusement of everyone behind him. He then stood up and loudly proclaimed that the tea machine was broken! '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' Computer Industry Quotes A recent request for instances of "computer expert puts foot in mouth" brought in the following sightings: "DOS Computers are manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." ~~The New York Times, November 26, 1991 "I do not think that this 'transistor' can ever be worth the immense development cost that has gone into it. It cannot be mass produced and will never be able to handle more than very small signal levels." ~~Dr. Thomas James, 1949 "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers of the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons." ~~Popular Mechanics, March, 1949 "I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone." ~~Bjarne Stroustrup, inventor of the C++ programming language "Parity is for farmers!" ~~Seymour Cray, answering a question at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, about the lack of error-checking circuitry in his new CDC 6600 computer. When asked a few years later at the 7600 launch (or Cray-1 -- probably the -1, since it used 64-bit words instead of 60 bits that the CDC 6xxx/7xxx computers used) which did have parity, Cray is supposed to have said: "Farmers buy a lot of computers" '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?" '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' We went out to eat, and my Dad said, "No wonder nobody comes here. It's too crowded." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' How could I trust my husband to take a male contraceptive pill when he can't even remember to take out the garbage? '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~' Now that my wife and I are alone in a rather large house, my daughter asked if I was going to turn one of the empty bedrooms into a den. My wife interrupted with, "Your Father doesn't need one dear. He just growls everywhere in the house." '~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'~'
Main \| 1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5 \| 6 \| 7 \| 8 \| 9 \| 10 \| 11 \| 12 \| 13 \| 14 \| 15 \| 16 \| 17 \| 18 \| 19 \| 20 \| 21 \| 22 \| 23 \| 24 \| 25