As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would you please be more careful? I have six children at home."
"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabby. "You got six kids and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Brodreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.
Da plane hit some turbulance an started bouncing aroun an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane start driftin. Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Airline 10210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nutin. We gonna splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave aryting ta us. Fus, how high are you an what's you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."
"No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?"
Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!"
Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine we got fo feet off da ground an I don bleve dis plane's related to you airport!"
A long pause--"We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da flowers!"
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. Teacher agreed and she asked the boy:
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl Did you see the sky?
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Little Girl Do you see her brain?
Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?
While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's the patient in 340?"
"Oh!" came the reply. "Well...she was complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that high fever."
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What do you think I am-a stunt driver?"
CAR FOR SALE
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's illegal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I just want to sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000, miles. Then you shouldn't have a problem selling your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month later, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
Miaowbu: Feed Me
Meeow: Pet Me
Mrooww: I love you
Miioo-oo-oo: I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
Mrow: I feel like making noise.
Rrrow-mawww: Please! The time is come to tidy the cat box.
Rrow-miawww: I have remedied the cat box untidiness by flinging the contents as far out of the box as possible.
Miaowmiaow: Play with me
Miaowmioaw: Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
Mioawmioaw: Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
Raowwwww: I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
Mrowwwww: I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that last visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww: I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
Gakk-ak-ak: My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
Mow: Snuggling is a good idea.
Moww: Shedding is a pretty good idea too.
Mowww!: I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow!: I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk!: Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
SssRoww!: I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
Mmmrowmmm: It is certain that the best-tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
Mmmmm: If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Mreoao: Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna.
Mreeeow: Do you serve catnip with that?
Mroow: I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How'm I doing?
Miaooww! Mriawo!: Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.