Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
You know you own a BIG dog when...
- the sound of running water makes you jump up and yell,"OUTSIDE!"
- you tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair
- it takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets
- you walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are
- you can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch
- you own a dog capable of pulling someone from a porta potty
- your dog can hide an entire tennis ball (among other things) fully inside his lips and give you that innocent look that says, "What? I'm not eating anything!"
- you carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle
- you keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house
- after banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake
- you are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog
- visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively
- you toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway
- you take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns
- you have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub
- your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down for the second time
- you have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink
- you show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog
- while stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window
- you go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling
- you've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"
- the monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment
- your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a personal plan
- you have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink
- the donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose
- your dog can see what you're cooking, and he tries to assist you in the preparation
- you're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings, and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door
- the pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk
- your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at MacDonald's and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change
- you purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television
- after surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office--pulling the rolling IV stand behind him
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place............ was the trailer.
First Woman: "I don't know what to get Fred for his birthday."
Second Woman: "Why don't you get him a book?"
First Woman: (after a moment's thought) "Nah, he's already got a book."
Several years ago when we were still in high school, my friend, her sister, and I were watching the Olympics. Her sister asked us why rodeos weren't an Olympic sport. We said,"Because the U.S. is probably the only country where rodeos take place." She was very quick to argue, "Nuh uh, Oklahoma has rodeos too!"
When my friend got her driver's license, her sister looked at it and, quite perplexed asked, "'Donor'? What did you doane?" My friend corrected her, "I donated my organs in the event that I die." Her confused response: "Don't you need them?"
This happened at a local fried chicken shack.
Customer: "I'll have a half dozen chicken nuggets."
Waitress: "I'm sorry, we don't have a half dozen. You can only order six, nine, or twelve."
Customer: "Well, ok, I'll have six then."