You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!!!
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40 Reasons to Never Leave the House
- Too much sun will give you skin cancer.
- Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc.
- An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known tokill, you know.
- You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of those radio contests, or something?
- You heard that there's a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.
- One of those UFO's might land and you could get kidnapped by little green men who would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually turning you into a half-man/half-duck.
- It's too windy. You might lose your hat.
- You might run into your old roommate who's angry with you for having played all those tricks on him.
- There's Injuns in them woods.
- You might walk into a church where there's a wedding going on, and you're hardly dressed for the occassion.
- If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that were destroyed in the fire.
- If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that weren't destroyed in the fire.
- There might be a flood, and you just ate, and you're supposed to wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.
- You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking dog.
- You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking squirrel.
- There are kids outside playing baseball, and you wouldn't want to get beaned by a foul ball.
- Women/men find you irresistible and you don't have a stick to fight them off with.
- You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen on "America's Most Wanted."
- You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen on "American Gladiators."
- There's a hole in the ozone layer letting dangerous ultra-violet light through it and there's a greenhouse effect and, oh, never mind. It's too cold to go out.
- You've watched too many "Road-runner" cartoons and now you're worried that a big rock might fall on your head, forcing you to walk around like a human- accordion for a few minutes.
- You can't go out. It's time to bake the donuts.
- One of the pipes in your basement is leaking and you have to keep your finger on it so that you won't waste water.
- You've handcuffed yourself to the refrigerator. It happens.
- There's a full moon tonight and you can't go out because you might turn into a werewolf.
- If you go cow-tipping, you might forget the difference between "pushing" and "pulling" and the cow might fall on you and crush you. If this happens, the cows will have you at their mercy and who knows how they'll take their revenge.
- You built a pillow-fort in the living room and you have to stay home and guard it.
- If you leave the house, Mr. Potato Head gets lonely.
- You might walk into a hospital, get tired, lay down somewhere to take a nap, and wake up with a baboon-liver.
- You might accidentally step in wet cement, in which case for hundreds of years, people will be looking at your footprint, saying, "What idiot did this?"
- You might sneeze, and it might happen to sound exactly like the mating call of the giraffe, and their might be a giraffe in the area, and then...
- An engine might fall off an airplane and land directly in front of you. Just as you're saying to yourself, "Gee, that was close," you might get hit by a bus.
- You don't have an American Express card and you're not supposed to leave home without it.
- You might find yourself at an airport and just, for curiosity's sake, stick your head inside the door of the airplane and just barely get it out before the door closes, but your tie might get caught in the door, causing you to be dragged up into the air and halfway across the country, choking and gagging the whole way, until the tie finally rips in half and you plunge 50,000 feet, eventually crashing through the roof of a barn and landing softly in a pile of hay, but then the farmer might sue you for property damages, and since you don't have that kind of money, you'll have to work on his farm as an indentured servant for the next twelve years. Well, it might happen.
- You might get a really bad haircut and have to start wearing hats, all the time. Then you might get a nick-name like "Hat Guy" or "Crazy Hat Lady."
- You might go to the park to feed breadcrumbs to the pigeons, but then when you run out of breadcrumbs the pigeons might start a riot, pecking out the eyes of innocent park-goers until you bring them more bread.
- You might lose a contact lens and blindly stumble around trying to find it. Then you might mistake a penny for your contact lens and put it in your eye. Then you'll wonder why everything looks like Abe Lincoln.
- You might buy a newspaper and find that your obituary is in it. Since this is obviously a mistake, you'll have to spend the rest of the day there, telling every person who buys a paper that you're not dead.
- You might get on an elevator with a pregnant woman, and the elevator might get stuck, and then the woman might go into labor, and you don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, and futher more even if you did know something about childbirth, there wouldn't be any hot water, towels, or salad tongs, etc.
- You can't leave the house because you would spend the day worrying whether or not you left the iron on.
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If You Think 99.9% is Good Enough
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour
2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year
2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers
Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day
315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year
880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year
5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly
3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections
A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)
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Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
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8 Days In The Woods As An Anti-technology Activist
Day 1: All is peaceful and right with the world. The freedom provided by the lack of restrictions imposed by "technological advancements" has allowed me to get in touch with myself. Also, I am naked.
Day 2: The connection between myself and my fellow brothers, the animals, has grown strong. I am one with the land. An antpile or a stream can provide over 12 hours of endless entertainment. The woods gives to me, in the form of abundant plant life used to fuel my body. I give back to the land by defecating in a small hole.
Day 3: On the third day I became embarassingly aware of my nakedness and covered myself with a fig newton wrapper that I found on the ground. The water is pure and unfiltered and the air hangs heavy with the stench of squirrel dung.
Day 4: I have diarrhea.
Day 5: There is nothing left to do in the forest that I haven't already done.
Day 6: Exteme hunger has set in as I have found that bark and poison oak is not sufficient food to keep me going at my usual rate. In my hallucinations, my friend Screech ( Dustin Diamond, star of TV's " Saved By The Bell " ) offers me mashed potatoes, chick peas, and a big cold glass of Tang. None of this is available here.
Day 7: Due to extreme hunger and unclear thought processes, I have eaten a whole live tortoise. The clouds are as fluffy as a bowl of fluffy clouds.
Day 8: Lack of Neil Diamond records has forced me to consider vacating the woods in order to return to "normal society.
Day 9: The ordeal is over. I sit fully clothed in a comfy rolling chair sipping Tang and typing onto a plain grey and green screen, my life as an anti-technology activist now officially over.
(Author Brian E.)
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HOW APPLICANTS SPEAK (and what they mean)
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Franklin Planner.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I KNOW HOW TO MAXIMIZE ANY POTENTIAL OPPORTUNITY"
Would you like fries with that or supersize it
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college dropout.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
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