A man walks into a bar and sits down, orders a drink and some pretzels from the bartender. While consuming the drink and pretzels, the man hears a whisper "Nice shoes!"
Not knowing where the voice came from, the man looks around, then resumes his drink and pretzels. Again, he hears "Nice pants!" Even more confused, the man looks around and can't figure out who's talking to him. Again he continues with his beer and the pretzels.
As he is finishing up his drink, he hears "Nice Armani suit!" Flustered and bewildered, the man decides to ask the bartender what's going on. He leans over to the bartender and asks "Did you hear that?"
The bartender replies "Yeah, don't worry... it's the pretzels....they're complimentary!"
Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called. The son from Miami.The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting for the end. Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Moishe is weak from the illness and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I've been ill?"
"Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."
The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion of speaking.
"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took the strudel out of the oven to cool."
"A miracle!" cries Moishe as he tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of Sadie's strudel."
The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's request, only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits again by his father's side.
Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? Where is the strudel?"
The son replies, "I'm sorry, papa. Mama says it's for AFTER the funeral!"
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.
"Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
A new department store announced that it was going to give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on its Grand Opening Day. The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am, determined to receive their free TV. When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might! The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time. Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door a third time!
This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about. "Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!"
When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the store!"
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls. The boss told her to report for work on Monday and explained that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up.
The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts to the crotch of the Elmos.
The boss could hardly contain himself and barked at the woman, "Lady, I said to give each Elmo 'two test tickles!'"
Q. How is a Spice Girls' video different from a porn flick?
A. The porn flick has better music
Q. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A. Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.
Not too often, but I guess just to stay qualified, the Division Commander himself would take out a flight. A group of pilots happened to be on hand to watch "the old man" land. As luck would have it, he actually "bounced" the plane several times on the runway. I said, "Look at him bounce!" The squadron operations officer, an old-timer himself, said "Son, only junior officers 'bounce'. When the old man flies, you'll find it far more profitable to say 'Gusty out there today, isn't it?'"
I'll Have a McBeer, Please
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New York with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and stuck it in the door. (Revelations 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone ill open, I will come in.
The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so I hid myself.)