Long ago and far, far away, okay, maybe it wasn't that long ago and just down the block, but you get the idea. Anyway, not long ago and not far away, there was a green monkey. Not a live one, of course, but a bronze sculpture that had slowly turned green over time. It stood in front of a clinic that treated patients who thought they were turning into monkeys. I understand that years ago the number of such cases was much smaller, but now it seemed one out of every hundred strangers will walk up and start picking through your hair. There are some who blame it on bottled water, specifically the brands from France, but it has never been proven.

This story isn't about bottled water, though, is it? No, the hero of our story was a special case even for the Green Monkey Clinic. (It had an official name that looked impressive on letterhead and business cards, but everyone just called it the Green Monkey Clinic; well, because there was that green monkey statue. I thought we covered this. You know, I'm never going to finish this story if we can't stay on track.)

Devon, because that's our hero's name, didn't think he was just any monkey. He thought he was a flying monkey from Oz! It didn't matter how many times it was pointed out to him that he had no wings or tail and did not, in fact, look much like a monkey, he was unshakeable in his conviction.

His condition didn't prevent him from being a highly unsuccessful attorney and really would have been a harmless delusion except for thing. Whenever he saw a young lady wearing a blue gingham dress, especially if she also had her hair in two pigtails, he would swoop up behind her and try to carry her off. Naturally, the startled young woman would object and quite often Devon would be sent away for a few weeks to a special hospital for a "rest."

It was unfortunate that blue gingham happened to come into fashion just as his condition was beginning to improve and Devon found himself back in the hospital. The doctor who was examining him upon his admission the hospital discovered two lumps on his back. Specialists came from all over the state to examine the rapidly growing bumps. They poked and prodded, x-rayed and biopsied, and finally suggested surgery.

Devon became hysterical and refused to allow them to operate. Since no one could find any family and Devon threatened a lawsuit if they operated without his consent, the medical could do nothing but apply salves to the stretched skin and hope for the best.

The bumps grew and grew, but didn't seem to hurt the patient, but then a new concern arose as a new lump was discovered on his tailbone. Again the doctors assembled and discussed surgery, but Devon remained firm. Since his condition deteriorated badly when surgery was discussed, the decision was made to delay until finally the hospital chose to go to court. The day came for the meeting with the judge and an orderly was sent to get Devon for his court appearance. Devon was missing. Every available orderly, doctor, and nurse searched the hospital's corridors. It wasn't until the heart surgeon snuck onto the roof for his secret smoke break that Devon was found.

During the night, the lumps had tripled in size, The staff, which rushed to the roof in response to the surgeon's call, gaped as Devon shed his hospital gown, revealing a thick, furry pelt and a lashing tail. The lumps on his back unfurled into batlike wings. Devon bared his teeth in a feral grin over his shoulder just before launching himself into the air.

As he flapped away into the misty morning three words floated back to the astonished crowd on the roof below, "Told you so!"